One day a man went to see his doctor complaining about severe migraine headaches.

After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the balls would have to come off.

The man thought this was rather drastic, so he went to another doctor for a second opinion.

"Your balls are pressing up against your spine causing the headaches," said the doctor, "The balls will have to be amputated." Finally the man decided to have the operation. He went to the first doctor and had it done.

Two years passed and the man was walking down the street when he came across a tailor's shop. Wearing the same thing he had been for years, the man decided to go in and get some new threads. The tailor took one look at the man as he walked in and said,"I'll bet your pants size is 36x32."

"That's amazing,"said the man,"how on earth did you know?" "I get paid to know these things," replied the tailor.

After he was fitted in pants the tailor looked at the man and told him exactly what his shirt size was without measuring him once. "That is just too cool! How did you know?" asked the man. "I get paid to know this kind of stuff."

Pretty soon the tailor had the man decked out in a full 3 piece suit with a rather smart had to go with it all. Not once did the tailor measure the man for his clothes. "I get paid to know these things,"is what he would say.

After all that the man decided he wanted some new underwear to make him comfortable in his new suit. "I'll bet you wear 36 medium," the tailor said, eyeballing the man. "HA! You're wrong!" said the man, "I wear 34 medium!" "That's ridiculous," replied the tailor,"if you wore size 34 medium underwear, you'd press your balls way too tight against your spine causing severe migraine headaches."

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?”

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”